In a groundbreaking move that has left many in the skiing community scratching their helmets in bewilderment, the International Skiing Federation (ISF) has announced that it will begin implementing speed limits on ski slopes worldwide, effective immediately. This unprecedented decision comes after years of heated debates and is said to be a response to the increasing number of high-speed collisions between skiers, snowboarders, and the occasional confused snowshoe enthusiast.
“We’ve seen enough,” said ISF President Glida Downhill, during a press conference held at the top of what is soon to be the world’s first regulated speed zone ski slope. “Just last season, our patrol teams spent more time untangling skiers from each other and pulling snowboarders out of snowbanks than actually patrolling. It’s time for change.”
The new regulations will see slopes categorized into various speed zones, ranging from “Green Sloth” for beginners, where speeds will be capped at a leisurely 5 kilometers per hour, to “Black Lightning” for the more experienced skiers and boarders, with a maximum speed limit of 30 kilometers per hour. Special radar guns, previously only seen in the hands of highway patrol officers, will be issued to ski patrols to enforce the new speed limits.
Critics of the plan have been quick to voice their concerns. Freeski legend Cliff Dropinski commented, “What’s next, traffic lights and stop signs on Halfpipes? Skiing was always about freedom, man. Now it feels like they’re turning the slopes into a highway patrol training ground.”
In an effort to soften the blow to speed enthusiasts, the ISF has also announced the introduction of “Speeders’ Alley” – designated areas on the mountain where skiers and snowboarders can go full throttle, provided they sign a waiver acknowledging the risk of potential high-speed impacts with trees, wildlife, and the occasional slow-moving beginner.
To support the transition, ski resorts will offer “Speed Control” classes, teaching skiers and snowboarders the art of maintaining their velocity within the legal limits. “It’s all about control,” said instructor Biff Plow. “We teach you how to enjoy the mountain at a pace where you can actually admire the scenery, instead of just seeing a white blur.”
In response to the widespread criticism, the ISF has issued a final statement: “Safety is our number one priority. Plus, we’re hoping the reduced speeds will cut down on the amount of lost GoPros. Those things are expensive.”
As the ski season approaches, resorts are gearing up for the change, with new signs being erected overnight and ski patrol officers undergoing intensive radar gun training. Only time will tell how this bold move will pan out, but one thing is for certain: the slopes will never be the same again.